How is it that the older I get, the more confused and yet certain I tend to feel? Let me explain. I am 29 years old. Meaning that I am one year away from turning 30 (insert shocked gasps here). So, I should have my life together, right? I should ‘feel’ 30? ‘Feel’ like an adult? I think most almost-30-year-olds would tell you this is a lie. However, what I can say is that throughout my 20s so far, I have seen multiple versions of myself appear. While I may feel the most confused about my life and where it is headed, I also feel the most certain about who I am and want to be. Confused, yet certain.

There is a lot I could say about turning 30 or about where I am at in life. Honestly, I’ve never been afraid to turn 30; I’m actually very excited for it. But what has brought me the most pause as my 20s come to a close is the fact that it looks like I will still be single by the time I enter a new decade. I wish this didn’t bother me as much as it does some days. But we live in a society that prioritizes the relationship status of women who are getting older. Plus, I do actually want to be in a relationship one day. I have the added unique experience of never having been in a relationship my entire life. Yes, you read that correctly. 29 years single. And no, I do not believe this is a red flag (more on that later). I’m confused as ever on where my life is headed when it comes to marriage; something I thought would have happened by now if you asked me at 21. But I’m also the most certain and confident I have ever been in sharing the fact that it has not yet happened for me.

Over the years, I have heard, and even told myself, some terrible advice and words of encouragement. But through it all, I have learned one important thing: unless you are ready and willing to hear it, there is no good advice for being single, particularly if you are wanting to one day be married. And sometimes there just is no good advice. There’s well-meaning advice, but it’s not usually all that good or comforting. That being said, these are the things I wish someone would tell me on the days I feel the most single.

• You are not too old. And I believe you never will be.
• There is no formula or tasks to complete in order to be in a relationship. There are ways you can utilize your singleness to your own benefit, like learning to love yourself and your own time and company, but even if and when you do that it doesn’t mean you will then meet the love of your life. You are enough as you are, and a relationship will come when it’s supposed to.
• You are not a self-improvement project that needs to be perfect before a relationship.
• There are no rules. You can say and do all the right things for self-improvement or to prepare yourself to be in a relationship and it still may not happen. That is ok. You can also do none of it and still meet the right person.
• It’s ok to look for a relationship. I don’t buy the “it happens when you stop looking” mentality. Maybe the key here instead is to just not rely on it or put your entire worth into it. Then again, I haven’t found it, so what do I know.
• It’s ok to be a hopeless romantic. Or recently I heard the term hopeful romantic. Having hope can hurt when all you feel like you do is wait and dream, but it is the hope that keeps your heart open to new possibilities.
• You will be ok alone, and it’s also ok to not want to be alone and to struggle with your singlehood along the way.
• It’s ok to talk about it. All of it. The good things, the bad things, and everything in between.
• No one, and I mean no one, will have good advice for you. Unless you hear it at the right time when you are willing to accept the potential decent advice, even the best words of wisdom may not feel very helpful.
• Lean on the people closest to you, and also make sure to lean on the people you feel will understand your situation the most (i.e., other single people).
• You don’t always have to be the happy single person. And when you aren’t it doesn’t make you desperate either.
• You have time. You may not believe it, but you do.
• Don’t wait for a relationship to enjoy your life. Do everything you want to do now and then when you find your person do it again with them.
• Put your energy and effort in your friendships. Even when they can’t reciprocate fully, maybe especially so, take the time and energy you do have to meet them more than halfway. You won’t regret it and it may be the best decision you make. When you can’t or don’t have the energy, give yourself grace and lean on the friendships you can.
• Take time, whatever time you have, to figure out who you are. This won’t stop when you’re in a relationship, but I believe it’s a good practice to get into and helpful to not only know who you are in a relationship so you don’t get lost but also know how you grow as a person so you can grow with them rather than beside or apart from them. It can also help you know what you want.
• Do. Not. Lower. Your. Standards. However, amazing advice I was given is that you might want to lower your expectations. All that is to say is to give people a chance before you say no. Open yourself up to meeting people and letting them in. Don’t prejudge them. But never second guess what you want and what your standards are after that. And maybe not expect a movie or book worthy meet-cute at every turn.
• Have fun. I’m not going to say enjoy your singleness while it lasts because I think that’s terrible advice given by people who are in a relationship and it’s not something you realize until it’s over. I’m in the midst of my singlehood and I simultaneously agree and hate it all at once. So, I will simply say have fun. Have fun now and have fun when you meet your person. Things will change but I still believe that it can all be fun.
• It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to miss something you never had. Your feelings are valid.
• Let yourself grieve. What I’ve learned most during all these years being single is that I’m grieving a life I may never have. Sure, I may one day get married, but in the meantime, I’m grieving the life I thought I’d have by this point and grieving the life I want but may not get. Let yourself process this however you need to.
• Don’t let it stop you from living your life. You may be in a season of waiting but that doesn’t mean your life needs to be on hold. And it also doesn’t mean that everything in your life needs to keep in mind a future relationship.
• You aren’t doing anything wrong. There is no ‘how to’ when it comes to getting in a relationship. There is advice, there are strategies, but there is no one right way to do it.
• You aren’t a walking red flag. I think some people see my situation of being single my whole life as a red flag. Like how could I have gone this long without dating someone; something must clearly be wrong with me. And for some, that viewpoint might be true. But I can’t and don’t let that define how I see myself. I have learned more about love and relationships from every other familial or platonic relationship in my life than anyone else I’m sure learned from a partnership. Sure, they might be different lessons at times, but regardless, each relationship in my life has taught me something valuable and I know I will take into a future partnership. Your ‘person’ will not see your long standing singleness as a red flag. And if they do, maybe they aren’t ‘your person.’
• Dating doesn’t have to be a numbers game. I just refuse to believe that it is.
• It’s ok to hate dating. I do and I’ve met many people who did and still got married to the love of their life.
• You don’t “just have to put yourself out there.” Putting yourself out there can show up in many different ways and it doesn’t look the same to everyone. It’s also not this “secret key” you’ve been missing to unlocking what you need in order to be in a relationship. If you’re looking for a relationship, though, you may at least want to leave your house every once in a while.
• You don’t have to be on the dating apps. Again, what do I know since I’m still single, but I refuse to go back on the dating apps. I’ve tried them, I hate them, and I haven’t re-downloaded them in over a year and a half. And I remind myself of this every time I think about downloading them again. I know many people who fell in love with someone they met or re-met on a dating app. They can work. But if you’re like me, have faith that you can also still fall in love ‘in the real world.’
• It’s ok to not want to be in a relationship at times. It’s also ok to want it.
• It’s ok to not want kids. It’s also ok if your mind changes from time to time. Now is the time to figure it out. Or not, that’s up to you.
• You don’t have to “be productive” in your singleness. You can just live your life however it looks. You can find a new hobby, meet new people, find yourself, and so much more. You can also just find contentment in the life you’re already living not constantly needing to fill a void or find something new. Life is short but it is also long, and you have your entire life to “be productive.”
• There is no timeline. You won’t believe me when I say this because I have to remind myself this every day. There is no timeline on your life. Your life is not linear and does not match anyone else’s. Do the best you can. Congratulate yourself for doing well and give yourself grace for anything else.
• Know that you are loved and I’m so sorry you are going through this. If no one else will tell you in your lowest moments of feeling single, then hear these words: “I love you, you aren’t alone, I know this hurts and I’m so sorry, I’m here for you.” Sometimes all we need when we are sad, hurting, and grieving is for someone to just be there with us through the pain. No words of encouragement, no action plan, no “it will happen one day,” just their simple presence and maybe validating that we aren’t crazy for feeling this way. I know that I’m loved and not alone, but being single feels different. So even the presence of someone closest to me showing up and recognizing that this hurts and is hard, can mean a lot.
• Don’t do life alone. Don’t go through this alone. It is easy to isolate yourself. But just do your best to not do it alone. Lean on friends and family. Ask for advice. Ask for comfort. Ask to be heard. Ask for company. Just don’t do it alone because doing it alone is a lonely and scary place. I’ve been there and I don’t recommend it. Own your feelings and validate them because they are real and acceptable. Anyone who says differently is just wrong.
• Fall in love. And no, I don’t mean with a partner. I mean with life. With yourself. With the people around you. The places you visit. The home you’ve created. The life you’ve built. Find love in all places of your life and indulge in it. Accept it. Give it. Feel it. And never let it go even on your hardest day. Especially on your hardest day.
• For friends of single people: Ask what your friend needs and/or wants. Everyone experiences singleness differently and wants different things, so asking them how you can be there for them could be really helpful and thoughtful.

What do you want to do before getting married (or in a committed relationship)?

In fall 2022, I asked myself “what would I want to do before I got married?” My answer? Travel internationally solo. In March 2023, I traveled to Iceland by myself for the first time and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. A few pictures from my trip can be seen below, along with travels with friends and exploring my own city. A whole new way of life awaits me when I do eventually get married, but until then my life is not over because I’m single. Quite the opposite. My life, the one I didn’t even know I could dream of, has really only just begun.