Almost 10 years ago, I studied abroad for three months in England. There’s a lot I could say about this experience, but for the sake of time and motivation behind this post, I will sum it up by saying how incredible, challenging, life changing, and more it was; most of which I don’t think I truly acknowledged until years later. Part of my full-time job is transition programming for college students, so today I was thinking through how we can engage our students as they transition home from studying abroad. It was only natural I then think about my own experience in college and the challenges I had with reverse culture shock, despite how long ago it might have been.

While I was away for those three months, I wrote a blog that I shared with family and friends to fill them in on my experiences and to document them for myself. I have never been more grateful for that decision than I am today. I have looked back on old journal entries I’ve written before and it has always taught me something new each time I do. This was the first time in a few years I’ve looked back on these posts, and the timeliness of it couldn’t have been better. I wrote a post yesterday about most of my fears starting this blog. How I don’t want to tie any success I have in life to my ultimate worth. Reading over the words I wrote as a 20-year-old was encouraging, humbling, and a little entertaining. Nothing I read was new. It contained lessons I’ve been trying to learn for years, although some of them I think have finally started to sink in. More than anything, it was a great reminder of who I was then, and how she is still a part of me today. One of my other posts on this blog is a letter to my 20-year-old self, where I focus more on talking to a younger version of myself. However, reading these posts from when I was in England and shortly after I settled back home, it was like my younger self was talking directly to me. I struggled at that time to take a moment to reflect on my experience and just marvel at what I did. I still struggle today to take a moment and say “yea I did that.” Not to say everything I do in life is great, but the challenges I’ve overcome, the places I’ve been, the things I’ve been able to do, the people I’ve met along the way; they have all been more than incredible, even if at the time they weren’t always that way. So, all this to say, I’d like to share a few things from my posts dated late 2015 and early 2016 that were amazing reminders to my 29 year-old-self, and some of which still ring true today.

• I’ve learned to love cities and can actually slightly see myself living in a smaller city, at least for the first part of my adult life.
  • Today: This was so fun to read because I never thought I’d actually live in a city since I grew up in a small town and went to college in a small town. But then I lived in one right out of undergrad, and currently live in Baltimore and absolutely love it.
• It’s ok to spend money even if I don’t think so. You can always earn money. As my sister has told me, you make money to spend money.
  • Today: I just purchased my now favorite tattoo and have a few trips upcoming. Everything is worth it, but man does it hurt my bank account. I budget like crazy, but I still realize how privileged I am to do these things and say that statement. However, while saving is good, money is also still meant to be spent and you never know when you will be able to do these things again in your life.
• Jump outside your comfort zone, even if its a whole lot scarier than you originally thought.
• Do the thing you want to and see despite what it takes to get there.
• Be a traveler in all sense and meaning of the word.
• Explore the world and yourself.
• You don’t have to go through anything alone. Whether you just met them or not or whether they are an ocean away or in your hall, they will be there to support you.
• Technology is an amazing thing.
• Have a plan and some expectations, but really enjoy the moments that were never planned and cherish the moments you didn’t expect more than the ones you did and never got a chance to do.
• If this past year has taught me anything, it has taught me life is challenging, and hard, and difficult, and doesn’t always go as planned. But it has also taught me that those challenges and hardness and difficulties can change you in ways you could never have imagined. It’s in those moments at which we grow that we become the people we are today. It’s in those difficult times that we find out the people we are and want to become. The thing about life is that it comes and moves on whether you are ready for it or not. It is those moments that are thrown at you, that test you, that stretch you beyond your breaking point, that teach you everything about yourself. I’m afraid of hard. I’m afraid of failure. But I forget that as much as I hate to admit it, if I fail, that moment will only make me stronger and help me grow even more. If we don’t push past the hard and push past the fear, where will we get in life and how much will we miss out on because of it? Freshman year I read in a book for class this quote: “what would you do if you weren’t afraid?” I would travel, I would meet new people, I would fail and see the positivity in bouncing back from that failure and growing from it, I would jump in head first into any and all situations, I would live life with no regrets, I would be bold and confident in everything I did, I would trust that God has my life in his hands, I would believe that I can’t do this alone and never have to. Too often fear gets in our way, and in my case I fear what could happen, things that haven’t even happened yet. I doubt myself before I even give myself the chance to overcome it or try it. Yes I will continue to have hard times in my life and will hate every moment of it at the time, but I hope that I will remember all these things.

I don’t share all of this to say “look at how wise I was at 20!” or to brush past the vast challenges we all face. I share this because even I didn’t remember this and I wrote it. I share this because I continually forget about these very sentiments every moment of my life and every time something hard comes along. I share this because just yesterday I was afraid to start this because of what it would mean or look like if I failed. I share this because we are all continually growing. Sometimes I look back on my younger self and question a lot. I see her youth and naivety. I question the choices she made. Sometimes I look at her and wish I was as confident and bold as she was at times. Today, I was reminded that I am everything she was and more. A lot of challenging things have happened in the nine years since I wrote those words. And each of those challenging times, even though I wish I didn’t have to go through them, made me the person I am today. And I couldn’t be prouder of who she is, and I think my 20-year-old self would be more than proud of her too.