In season 1 of the tv show, Friends, Phoebe is asked if she has a plan and responds with “I don’t even have a ‘pla’.” In season 1, all the characters in the show are in their mid-20s. I think this is something I often forget. I grew up watching and loving this show and I always assumed they were much older, despite the fact that it isn’t until season 7 that Rachel turns 30. Coming to the realization that these characters were still navigating so much of life in their 20s, and also still single and without kids, puts a lot of things into perspective.

In my teens and early 20s I’m sure I had a vision of what my life would look like at 29. And I’m sure at least 80% of my current situation is not what I thought it would turn out to be. I’ve been a planner my whole life. I liked to know what was going to happen or prepare for anything that could happen. I struggled in high school not knowing what I wanted to major in. I struggled in college not knowing what career I wanted. I struggled in both job searches after undergrad and grad school trying to figure out where I should go and what I should do. I have fought against planning too far ahead for a long time, and yet it is in my nature to do so. I’ve always hated the question “what is your five year plan?” even though I was a planner. I hated feeling like I needed to solidify who I was going to be that far down the road. I didn’t even know who I wanted to be tomorrow, how was I supposed to plan for five years down the road? But even still, I thought about it. What career would I have? What education would I want? What would my living and relationship situation look like? So much to think about. And every time, I had assumed that by the time I was in my mid to late 20s, or at the very least my 30s, I’d “have it all figured out.”

I was wrong. Although I’m still holding out for some sort of revelation at 30 and that I’ll gain all the secrets to life. My life has followed some of my plan, but mostly veered off course on more than one occasion. Or it was just more challenging to get here than I expected. I love where I live, I love my job and my career, I have found hobbies that bring me joy, I have friends, I’m traveling. So much is happening in my life lately, although not without an uphill battle, and yet I have zero idea on where it’s going. While I love my career, I have no idea what is next. I don’t know what job I want to grow into. I don’t know where my skills and passions will take me. I don’t know if I’ll get into a relationship and if that will change everything. I don’t know how I’m going to afford to live in this economy, especially single and without a roommate. I just don’t know. And it’s hard to plan when you don’t even know what you want. A younger version of myself might have been shocked to hear all those I don’t knows at 29. Even today, it stresses me out at times. However, I am learning to live in the moment and let my joys and passions lead me where they may. It’s not all blind faith, but it is faith nonetheless in God’s plan for my life.

At 29, I simultaneously feel like a grandma and a child all at once. When I put my life in perspective I realize how much more life I have yet to live. I’m only 11 in adult years. I’m a pre-teen about to go through puberty. What fun! So not knowing kind of makes sense. At 11 I didn’t even know I wanted the career, the city, or the hobbies I have today; I don’t think I realized half the things I’ve done were even possible. Every ‘unknown’ thing I’ve taken a risk on, though, has completely changed my life for the better. I’ve taken jobs in new cities that I had no idea I would ever accept. I’ve visited places I never realized I had always wanted to see. I’ve met people I never realized I needed. And every single time God has shown me that He is in control and knows so much more than me.

When I was in college I studied abroad in England. This was completely unexpected for me. I didn’t enter college knowing I wanted to do this. I might have thought about it or thought that it would be cool, but didn’t give it much thought after that. I had teammates who studied abroad and talked highly of it and started to hear my friends and classmates talk more about it. But it wasn’t until one random day my first or second year that it truly clicked for me. One night I was walking home from swim practice and ran into some of my friends headed to a lecture. At least one of them had to go for class and said I should come. A little peer pressure and fear of missing out convinced me to turn around and follow them to the lecture. To this day I could not tell you what that lecture was about. But I can tell you how I felt: inspired. I remember feeling so inspired about travel and study abroad and the impact it could have on you. I not only felt like I wanted to study abroad, but felt like I actually could. The next time I went home I told my parents about it and thus began the journey of applying, getting accepted, and then taking the leap to study in another country for three months. And every step of the way I was terrified and thought I couldn’t do it. While study abroad was not something I planned, it was something that completely changed my life for the better and ultimately part of what led me into my career today. So, planning can be helpful, but isn’t everything.

For one of the first, or at least few, times in my life, I am more content not knowing than I am in planning. Honestly, it’s a little less stressful. It’s a weird sensation given the society we live in. The one that whispers to me at night that I need to figure out not only what’s next but also the rest of my life. The voice that tells me I’m just being lazy and I’m falling behind. The questions that nag at me wondering if I’ve just lost my drive and ambition. It’s a constant choice to silence that voice. To remind myself that life isn’t linear and it’s ok to just be. I’ve chosen to view these moments as progress. Because not that long ago I would have seen my lack of a detailed plan as a failure. I may not be where I thought I would be at this stage of my life. I may not know exactly where I’m headed. But I am enjoying the life I have. I’m enjoying figuring out who I am and want to be. I’m enjoying the peace and contentment of just living and seeing where my life takes me. This isn’t easy and I’m anxious most days, but on the days I can just be, are the days I feel the most joy.

So if you don’t know what’s next. If you don’t even have a ‘pla’ and are just trying to live in the moment. Know that you aren’t alone. If you are 18 and about to go to college or 22 and about to enter the ‘real world’ and have no idea where your life is headed, that is not only normal, but your 29-year-old friend here is also in the same boat. I might even be the one steering it. You don’t have to have it all figured out now. Figure out who you are. Figure out what you are passionate about. Figure out what brings you joy. And go from there. You’d be surprised the places it will take you.

Life: An Unplanned Masterpiece

Life moves too fast

Days, weeks, and years gone before they can last

Just once I’d like to know how to slow down time

And enjoy every minute before it’s no longer prime

But slowing down is against everything I’ve learned

Because ever since I was little I was taught to plan a future that was earned

To pause in my prime

May be seen as a waste of time

But I’m beginning to wonder if it is exactly what I need in this lifetime

So I don’t know what I want to do

And I’m only starting to figure out the versions I outgrew

This version I’m becoming

Is only the start of who is upcoming

Maybe not knowing is a gift

And deciding not to plan won’t make me adrift 

But instead it is in the beauty that allows me to rest

And enjoy the moments at their best

My 20s have been more than confusing

On top of the world and yet also a bit bruising

I feel like I should have it all together

But then when am I allowed to experience bad weather

No matter the age

I believe that there’s always a chance to start a brand new title page

Plan as you can

But don’t forget that life isn’t just a game plan

Your meant to have fun

And enjoy every moment, even when you haven’t won

Because life moves too fast

Days, weeks, and years gone before they can last

So for once I will allow myself to slow down 

And enjoy every minute instead of counting down