I’ve been reflecting a lot on the past few weeks. In a previous post, I talked about my struggle to ‘just be‘ and how I’ve mentally and emotionally been all over the place lately. Today, with a little bit of a clearer head, I’m realizing that part of my struggle has been with the all or nothing mentality. I’ve been so stressed and anxious and worried, I haven’t allowed myself to be excited about anything; even the things I truly am excited about.

When I was talking to my siblings on vacation and I was asked what I was excited about or looking forward to, I didn’t know what to say. And it wasn’t because I didn’t have an answer. It was because any answer I thought of didn’t feel exciting. I thought of my upcoming trips and instead of excited, I thought of all the worries it brought me; the money, the planning, the flights I still needed to book, the time off work I needed to take. I logically knew I was excited about seeing friends I hadn’t seen in awhile, traveling to and exploring a new place, getting to take time off. But emotionally, I wasn’t there. And so I didn’t know how to respond.

I’m thinking about that today because I realized that we have so much more control over how we feel than I think I’d like to admit. That’s not to say that if you are feeling stressed, or anxious, or worried, or sad, or depressed, you can just choose not to. Mental health is a serious condition that we don’t necessarily have a choice over. But sometimes, when it is a little less serious, (I’m talking bad mood versus depression), I think we do have a choice. I couldn’t allow myself to be excited, because I was too comfortable sitting in the discomfort. Usually that’s a good skill to learn, but not in this scenario. I got too comfortable sitting in my anxiety, feeling sorry for myself, and focusing so much on trying to get other people to understand my feelings, that I couldn’t let that go in order to feel any joy. I had a similar experience when I moved to Baltimore. So much in my life was going right, and yet I couldn’t truly allow myself to feel joy. It required me to let my guard down in order to let the joy in; to also let in the unknowns and “what ifs.” As if anticipating everything that could go wrong would make it hurt less or prepare me more for when it did. But all it was really doing was keeping me from experiencing any joy and excitement in the moment. For someone who thinks she is vulnerable at sharing her feelings, I struggle a lot to actually let anyone or anything in. I tend to be calculated with my vulnerability, holding onto control of the situation and people as much as I can. The lesson I think I am continuing to learn, though, is that even if I can’t fully let go of the anguish, that doesn’t mean I can’t open the door to joy and excitement.

How often do we do something that scares us and yet we do it anyway? We might be scared to try something new, but it is also exciting, and so we do it anyways. I saw a video the other day explaining one of the differences they noticed between olympic athletes and really anyone else. When asked the question after an event, “were you nervous”, olympic athletes would typically respond, “no, I was excited.” This simple answer shows how our perspective and choices can make a difference. Nervousness and excitement come from the same place. We could learn a bit from this example, along with how joy shows up in our lives

The definition of joy is not the absence of sorrow. It is not a fleeting sense of happiness. Joy is present even when sadness and sorrow and anxiety are present. A few years ago I lost my grandmother. During that time of grief, it was one of the most prominent experiences of joy I had ever felt. I was so sad that she was gone and the grief was immense, but through that sadness and grief I felt an enormous amount of joy. Joy for the life she lived and the time I got to spend with her. Joy for the legacy she left. Joy for being surrounded by family as we grieved together and remembered her life. Joy for friends and family who supported us along the way. My grief didn’t disappear to allow joy to be present. They welcomed each other with open arms and embraced one another for as long as they needed.

For anyone who has seen the movie Inside Out, you might be reading this and thinking “well, duh.” Everything I’m talking about is not a new concept. So old, in fact, that movies, and tv, and books, including the Bible, and so much more, all talk about it. Inside Out and Inside Out 2 are probably some of my favorite movies to watch. They might be ‘kids’ movies, but like so many other Pixar films, they are so much more for the adults. Joy wants to take over everything Riley is feeling. Until she realizes that that isn’t any way for Riley to live. Joy and Sadness, and all of the other emotions, are tangled together and stronger together. The epitome of bittersweet memories.

For anyone who hasn’t seen Inside Out 2, stop reading now and skip to the last paragraph if you don’t want any spoilers. In the second movie, Anxiety plays a big role. As someone who has experienced varying forms of anxiety, I resonated with this movie so much. The anxiety attack Riley had and the symbolism of the characters during that experience made me cry. Not only because so many people experience what Riley was going through, myself included, but because of the personification of anxiety and joy during that experience. Anxiety took over. So much so, she froze and couldn’t do anything about it. It took Joy entering into the space to convince Anxiety to let Riley go, telling Anxiety she doesn’t get to choose who Riley is. As soon as Anxiety let go, Joy pulled her out the rest of the way. The impact and symbolism of Joy being the one to do this was incredible. It was also a lesson Joy had to learn herself to not control Riley. Anxiety tries to explain that she was just trying to protect Riley, but she took it to far. When the emotions tried to restore Riley’s core beliefs, Joy realized that they couldn’t control that either. They needed to let Riley be whoever she was going to be; feel however she was going to feel. The back and forth that Riley experienced of the negative self-talk and the positive affirmations was too real for me. Too often I have felt this. The power of anxiety taking over. The negative self-talk in my head that won’t stop. The positive affirmations I try to retort back. The sense of self I work to restore. The mental effort it takes to push against anxiety hard at work. Riley showcases some of this effort as she began to work through the five senses grounding technique to work through her anxiety attack. In the midst of this, Joy hugged the object that represented Riley’s sense of self, followed by the rest of the emotions. To me this represented self-compassion and self-love. At the end of the anxiety attack, you can see that Joy is being called and Sadness says “Joy, Riley wants you.” Cue more tears. This is the experience I’m trying to emulate. That sometimes we can be so consumed by our own anxieties, and fears, and whatever else, we forget about the joy. Anxiety didn’t go away when Riley asked for Joy. They were all still there. The movie doesn’t just depict how anxiety can take over. It depicts how anxiety can be helpful to us. How it can prepare us and help navigate our lives. Too much of anything isn’t a good thing, though. We can’t get rid of our feelings. We can feel them and process them, but we can’t bottle them up and throw them away. Joy can be present even when we aren’t feeling 100%. Sometimes maybe all we have to do is call her to us.

I might not fully feel like myself yet, but I feel like I’m getting just a little closer. I might have a lot of stress, and worries, and anxieties about way too many things. But I refuse to let that strip away any joy I hope to feel. I want to be excited about what’s to come and who I will become. I want to look forward to both the known and unknown. I want to accept my feelings for as they are but also choose joy in every moment. This is not an easy task. But it is an important one. Today, I’m going to try and call Joy to control the console.