Oh, where do I even begin.

This last week was incredible. Every time I travel I think I learn something new. Whether it is about myself, about the place I’m visiting, or about the people I’m with. I don’t always look for it, although if I’m being honest with myself I think I have trained myself to believe that something new will always come out of my travels.

This trip was no different. I was on the verge of slight burnout from my job when a friend trip interrupted it at the most perfect time. The people, the places, the experiences; all of it was rejuvenating in more ways than I could describe. And I think it was exactly what I needed at the exact right time.

That’s not to say my anxious mind didn’t interject itself at times, but the majority of this trip was just the kind of peace my body, mind, and soul were desperately looking for.

I ignored my reflection tendencies a lot during this trip, oddly enough. I just didn’t quite have the time to devote to it as I knew I would need. I also didn’t want to force it or face some of it. And so now that I’m back home and figuring out my day to day life again, I just can’t quite help but reflect on so many things I have worked to push out of my mind lately.

I have worked a lot in the last few weeks. I jumped right into the semester and pushed through until I couldn’t anymore. Sometimes this is helpful to get the job done. Most times there is a better way that I could accomplish this. Part of the reason I was so stressed was because I was putting extra pressure on myself. Pressure to figure out the rest of my life. Or at least the next few years.

I think a part of me was starting to fear getting stuck. Stuck in a job, in a place, in my career. Afraid I would make a mistake or a wrong move or decision. So I made myself feel like I needed to figure out the rest of my life right now. At 29. And at the beginning of the academic year. Not exactly the best timing. And I was too exhausted to talk myself out of it.

Over the last week, I have spent some time with my sister and my brother-in-law and then also some very dear friends out west. It was busy and tiring and yet I enjoyed some of the longest and most relaxing days I have felt in a long time. I was at peace and I (almost) didn’t think about work for even one second. I let things go. I lived in the moment as much as I could. And that is very rare for me these days.

Part of my need to ‘figure out my life’ I think comes from me feeling like everyone else has something they are striving for. Everyone else seems to have a dream and is going for it. Whether it’s a career, a passion, a lifestyle, a family, or something else entirely. And I think I’ve just hit a point where I don’t know what that looks like for me anymore. Or rather I don’t know how to enjoy and be content with what my dream might look like in my life.

Have you ever witnessed someone completely enthralled in their passion, skillset, or strengths? It is an absolutely beautiful thing to see someone doing not only what they are good at, but what they are passionate about. To hear them talk about it. To see them enjoy it. And yet while I have personally felt this, I haven’t quite seen myself in this light.

I’m passionate about my work in higher education. Or at least most times I think I am. And yet I constantly wonder if it’s enough or if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Is this it for me? Can I be content with that? Can I endure this stress or learn how to be less stressed in the midst of it as the years go on? Do I need to figure that out now?

There are many jobs and careers I know I could do whether I was passionate about them or not. I can work to make a decent wage to sustain the life I want. And yet I know deep down I would be miserable in that kind of life. We spend 40+ hours a week at our jobs. If I have to spend that much time somewhere I’d like to enjoy it and be passionate about it. It would at least make the more stressful parts more bearable.

What am I willing to risk to get to where I want to go? What am I willing to risk on a future that’s not planned or guaranteed? As I’ve gotten older I have shifted my mindset a bit. As I’ve learned to set boundaries and find a balance in my life and work, I think I have prioritized my life outside of my job more than my job itself. Honestly it’s one of things I’m most proud of in all of the mental health work I’ve done the last few years. I learned to remove my identity from my job and find enjoyment from more than just my career. I found hobbies and relationships and little bit of peace. To an extent; I’m definitely making this sound a little more dreamier than my lived experience.

I’ve never identified myself as a dreamer or a creative, despite what my star sign as a Pisces might describe (if you’re into that sort of thing). Although I wonder if it just shows up differently in my life. I romanticize dreamers and creatives. I’m jealous of them. They’ve learned to go for what they want despite how it will work out in the end. They’ve learned to dream big no matter the circumstances they are currently in. They don’t let the world we live in completely destroy their outlook on life. They ignore the odds and go for it anyways. Again, I’m romanticizing this as being a dreamer is so much harder than it looks from the outside.

Being a dreamer to me sounds enlightening. And also something I’m not sure I could completely fulfill. I have dreams. Farfetched ones. Dreams I’ve barely uttered out loud to myself. Dreams I’m not even sure I would want to work to make them come true. And that right there is my real problem. I don’t know what I want to put my energy and time into. Could I fight for something I may not be passionate about in year? Could I fight for something that might ultimately fail? Could I dedicate time and money to something that isn’t guaranteed to succeed or has the potential to make me miserable by the end of it?

I’m a firm believer that you don’t need to turn all of your hobbies into a side hustle. I like to bake and would like to think I’m pretty good. But I’ve never really had the desire to be my own boss or start a business. That could always change, but I seriously started looking into starting my own baking business last summer and realized that I didn’t want to turn this hobby of mine that I enjoy and use to destress and share with others into work. It sounded miserable.

They say if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day your life. And I think to some extent that is true. But that’s not to say everything you love to do needs to earn you an income. Sometimes you can just do it for the enjoyment of it, and I think that has a really important place in our lives.

On the plane ride home from my trip I watched the movie “If.” I’m not sure I’ve tried to hold back tears so much on a plane before. Now, I was exhausted, overly tired, and so much more, so that may have played a part. But that’s besides the point. This movie was adorable and also kind of poignant. The main theme of the movie is about remembering your inner child. And for some, remembering a dream that reality might have destroyed early on. I think as we get older it is easy to get bogged down with responsibilities and keeping ourselves alive. We forget what it was like to be a kid. To have our entire lives ahead of us and the choices feel less detrimental.

What’s interesting is we could still have this mindset at 29, at 40, at 60. Who is telling us we need to stop doing the things that bring us joy? Who says we can’t be a kid every once in a while? Who says that we need to stick with the career we chose at 18? Who says we can’t completely reinvent ourselves? That is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn. That I’m allowed to continue to grow and figure out who I am and want to be.

I love my career and I’m not ready to leave it yet. I had mentioned to my friend this week that I love my job and what I do but I didn’t want to go back to work. She replied, “you not wanting to go back doesn’t have to have anything to do with you not liking it.” For some, they might be connected. But for others, they don’t have to be. I was enjoying my time off and didn’t want it to end. That doesn’t mean I don’t like my job. I just think I’ve lost a little of the enjoyment along the way trying to hold all the pieces together. Maybe I’ll try letting go every once in a while and see if it can hold itself together. Or just allow it to all fall a part so I can see that everything will still be ok.

I don’t know where my career will lead me and that is one of the scarier things I’ve had to learn to endure. But I think it’s even more important being patient and learning to love where life has you in this moment. We don’t always have to be striving for the next thing. Otherwise when will we be able to enjoy the right now?

You might be wondering what my other dreams are that I alluded to. And despite me not knowing if I actually want to pursue any of them, and also feeling like a complete sap, this whole post is about dreaming; even if it never happens, even if I change my mind, even if it sounds impossible.

I dream of a lifestyle where my day to day is more than just work. A life where I find joy and peace amidst the pain and sorrow and stress and anxiety. A life I love despite how challenging it is. I dream of a community with friends and family and faith. I dream of a life that can support my traveling. I dream of one day having my own family. I dream of feeling mostly content and building a life full of growth and love and grace. I dream of one day publishing. Publishing my poetry, my blog, my words, my writing, or maybe even my baking. I dream of falling in love with my work and hobbies and so much more.

The funny thing is, I’m living out most of these dreams already. They may not always be consistent, as dreams and life rarely are, but I’m living them nonetheless. The hardest part is silencing the noise and not getting distracted by other’s dreams that don’t fit me. I just need to remind myself of all this occasionally.

So while I realize it is a privilege and a luxury, I encourage you to dream. Whatever it might be. Allow your mind to wander. Allow yourself the opportunity to defy all odds. Allow yourself to dream of what is and what could be. And maybe along the way you’ll realize your living the dreams you only ever thought you could imagine.