Originally written: 11/18/24

I’ve written a lot about mental health lately, so I hesitate to keep writing about it. But the thing about depression is that it consumes my entire mind, all my thoughts, and has become my life. So my reality right now is that this is what I have to share and talk about; a topic no one ever seems to want to talk about.

I have heard of other’s stories with depression. It has helped me to not feel alone and for those that have come out on the other side, it has given me hope. But more than anything, I recognize now more than ever how strong people are who experience depression.

I have lived with my current level of depression for a few months. And yet I know there are people who struggle with it for years. Years! That could be for a varying amount of reasons, but nonetheless I can hardly even imagine that. I want my depression gone tomorrow. But I know that isn’t possible. Everything I know I need to do to work through my hard days, takes more effort than I feel I have at any given time.

I remember a time when I had a routine, when I felt good about myself, when not everything in my life made me feel angry, or upset, or worthless, when I could feel love for my job, for others, and for myself. Remembering that version of myself sometimes gives me hope. Other times it just hurts. Because it emphasizes the state that I’m in and makes me feel like I should just be able to snap out of it.

But that’s not how depression works. So to those of you who have struggled with your mental health for much longer than me, I see how strong you are. Because I’ve only managed it for a few months and I want to give up. Holding onto hope and putting the work in to get through this is hard and a better life feels impossible. So while I don’t feel very strong right now, I hope one day I see it differently. I hope one day I can look on this time in my life with compassion instead of shame.

Update: 12/9/24

The world is much brighter. I’ve been on medication for about a month and a half and I finally found a therapist I like so far. My outlook on life isn’t as bleak, and today was the first day in a long time that I felt hope. Joy has also slowly come back into my life. I know this journey isn’t yet over. I know there is still much work to be done. I know that I will truly never be finished with any of this. But I am choosing to live in the hope and joy I feel today, whether it is still here tomorrow or not. None of this easy, but I have kept going and have fought to make sure I didn’t do any of it alone. And for all of this, I am more than proud.