It might be a weird topic, but as I struggle through depression, I can’t help but reflect on what it has taught me along the way. Not everything in life needs to be lesson and something like mental illness may not always have a bright side; I’m not trying to downplay the serious effects of this illness. And yet, here I am, sharing what I feel these mental illnesses has taught me because I refuse to be just another one of its victims.

Depression and Anxiety have taught me and continue to teach me:

• I can’t do it all alone, even if I wanted to
• It’s ok to ask for help and to ask for what I need
• I don’t need to blame myself for every fault; I’m allowed to give myself grace along the way
• Asking for affirmation to tune out the negative thoughts isn’t always a bad thing
• Sometimes my thoughts lie to me
• To be proactive prior to reaching depression, making time for things that bring you joy is helpful, but it goes much deeper than that and is not always that simple once you hit depression
• I am loved even when I’m not giving anything in return
• I am loved even at my worst
• It takes strength to ask for and accept help
• Battling a mental illness is hard work
• Not everyone will leave me just because I’m not doing well
• Community is the most important thing and I didn’t fully understand that until I realized I didn’t have it and needed it to survive.
• I am not perfect, and that is ok
• The world did not end once I stopped giving 100% to everything in my life; in fact it became more balanced
• I can’t blame all my problems on depression, but I can acknowledge that it is affecting me in multiple ways and is out of my control
• I was probably depressed long before I actually named my depression
• Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better. I was really reluctant to take medication for depression or anxiety until I realized I was much worse than I realized and couldn’t manage it on my own anymore.
• I need to have grace for myself and for others
• Sometimes doing the bare minimum is enough
• I have more empathy towards others experiencing a mental illness
• Never take joy for granted
• I am much more self-aware, much more knowledgeable on mental health, and have learned so much more about recognizing warning signs in my mind and body than I ever thought I could be
• I now have a better understanding of where and how anxiety versus depression lives in my body. I know more about depression and its symptoms now than I ever have. Depression makes my mornings miserable and anxiety makes my nights a nightmare.
• Panic attacks are truly scary and you can learn to work through them
• Music helped me more than it ever has
• All I wanted was to be seen and cared for without emphasizing how low my mood was and how crazy I felt
• It is extremely hard work trying to help yourself. I’ve been through it before and I can tell you that this time around was truly exhausting thinking about how much work I’d have to do to work through it this time. Medication has helped to ease that burden.
• Medication is not the enemy
• Vulnerability is a super power
• While I struggled a lot, I cried a lot, I felt misunderstood and alone a lot, depression specifically also gave me a brief relief at times from worry. I had a taste of what it would be like to not care what others thought of me or what I did or produced or gave. And that was glorious up until the moment anxiety stepped back in and asked what if.
• Sometimes sharing what you are going through just to let those closest to you know what is going on is enough
• I thought that finding meaning in my depression was downplaying the affects of depression for myself and others. Turns out it is recommended to help manage symptoms, find hope again, and is quite a common experience in any pain we feel. Pain makes us think that is all we should feel. Instead we can turn it into purpose and make meaning of it in any way we see fit.

My depression kept trying to convince me I wasn’t enough. But when the light would shine through, I realized ultimately it really taught me that I am more than enough. Because people showed up for me and showed me I am worth showing up for. Depression for me is not over and probably never will be; I’m sure it will return once again at some point in my life. But I have taken the steps to work through it, manage it, and lower it.

I don’t say all this to minimize what anyone with depression is going through. I share this because in the depths of my depression I wouldn’t have believed a single one of these statements. But now, as the light is getting brighter, I am able to see a little clearer all the little things I learned along the way, whether I realized it at the time or not.

I can’t thank my friends and family enough for being there when I needed them most. It may not have felt like much, but just listening and acknowledging the pain I was in and never letting me forget how much I was loved and cared for meant more than words will ever describe. I still struggle asking for help. I still struggle accepting help. But I will forever be grateful for the help that was offered along the way.