I swear my personality is not based off of being single. I continue to believe it’s the least interesting thing about me. But it has shaped who I am and I have to admit that singleness and romance have been on my mind. So, I’ve decided to post this entry from earlier this year because I like it and because it still rings true.

1/5/25

Can I be happy alone?

What a big question and one I think I subconsciously have thought about before, but it wasn’t until today that I asked myself it directly.

The answer is scarier than I think I anticipated. I’m not happy with a yes or a no. Because a yes would mean I might need to live the rest of my life without a romantic partner and a no might mean that I’m waiting for a romantic partner to be happy.

I’ve been struggling with joy this week. I love my life as it is. I am fortunate to have a great family and friends. I’m fortunate to be able to afford the things I need and want. I love my apartment and am starting my first ever home improvement project. So much in my life is going well right now. And only a few months ago I never would have said that.

I don’t feel like I deserve this happiness and joy. I feel like I needed to suffer in my depression or struggle in life more in order to earn it all. I don’t feel like I have earned this right to be happy. And I know how sad that sounds.

When things are going well, my mind makes me believe that it is only a matter of time until something goes wrong. But that’s not how life works. That’s not how grace works. We can’t earn our way to joy. And while I know there are lots of things in life that we can earn our way towards, joy is not one of them. Because we are allowed to feel joyful right now. We can choose joy.

I might lose everything tomorrow, and that is terrifying to me. The world could end next week. The next four years might be miserable in this country. And yet none of that is in my control and I don’t want it to dictate my state of being and who I am.

Society makes single people, particularly women, feel like they need to be married in order to be happy. And for a time, that may have partly been true solely based on the fact that there was so much women weren’t allowed to do without a man. But I’m grateful to live in a place where that is mostly not true anymore.

I would like to be married one day. However, I have come to the conclusion that I will be ok if it never happens. It makes me sad to think about that and all that I might miss. But I also know how great my life has been so far without a relationship. I’ve been able to dive into friendships and focus on myself. I’ve been able to travel and pursue my career without considering anyone else. I haven’t stopped living my life. And that is something I am eternally grateful for.

So, the question remains. Can I be happy alone?

It will be difficult, but I do think I could be happy alone. Would I be happier if I got married? We will only know if it one day happens. But for the time being, I am striving for a full life whether it happens or not. Because I will never truly be alone in my life.