Am I crazy?

I must be crazy.

One week ago. Seven days. That’s all it’s been since I’ve started looking into getting a second master’s degree. Something I never even thought to dream of. Something I didn’t realize I wanted until seven days ago. And yet here we are. Almost ready to take the leap.

Let’s start from the beginning. I’ve been feeling a little lost lately. Not sure where my career is headed. Not sure what I wanted or what direction I was heading. Trying to learn to sit in the now and just enjoy where I am.

There is nothing wrong with any of that. These are all lessons I am continually learning. And yet, I still wanted to work towards something. I didn’t want to get stagnant with my career or my life. And maybe this was partially what turning 30 was doing to me. But I also just think this is how I have been most of life.

I needed this last year to be that way, though. I needed to focus on my mental health. I needed to focus on me. And a part of me still thinks this. I’m still fearful I could end up back there, or that there is more work I need to do before I can ‘move on.’ I am still working on me, though, and I also feel immensely better than I did. And that needs to be enough.

When I was traveling with my sister a few weeks ago, we were talking about life and I mentioned how I didn’t know where I wanted to take my career. She asked me “if you could do anything, regardless of your skillset, what would you do?” Now, at first I struggled to answer this because I would honestly choose what I’m doing now. I love my job and I love working with students in higher education. I mentioned publishing a book, but that is not something I want to pursue at this very moment or even something I’m completely sure I’d want to put the time, energy, and resources into right now. And then a little later, I remembered a thought I had not that long ago. A part of me has always thought it would be really cool to learn how to code.

A little out of left field given I work in education and I have zero degrees or classes or knowledge on commuter programming. However, I have always enjoyed being able to work on excel and make it do things not everyone knows how to do. I work out problems until I can solve them. I’m always looking for easier and more efficient ways to do things. I’ve always loved math growing up, been tech savvy, and felt my smartest when I could figure something out online.

Now, if anyone is a computer programmer or analyst and this doesn’t sound like anything you do, oh well. It’s how I feel like I can relate my interests to this field and why I have considered pursuing it.

Anyways, my sister’s response to me was to look up classes at work since I work at a university. This wasn’t a new idea to me. I had considered this, but had always turned it down because I just didn’t feel like dealing with it. I didn’t want to go back to school and I really didn’t want to be graded on anything. I had always had this idea that I didn’t want to take fully online classes, didn’t want to work full time and go to school, and never imagined getting another master’s or getting it in something other than education.

Last week, out of curiosity, I started looking up classes just to see what my university had to offer. Which then led me to finding out that we offer a M.S. and a certificate program in Data Science. Which, after some research, I have learned would actually be more beneficial to me than just a degree or classes in computer science. I could relate it to my field in higher education, which is helpful since I don’t plan on leaving any time soon, and would teach me the skills to gather, interpret, and analyze data. How cool!

I immediately started having conversations with people and viewing courses on LinkedIn Learning to see if this is something I truly wanted to pursue. And here we are, one week later, very close to just taking the leap and applying.

This has been the oddest, quickest, and strangely most peaceful decisions I have ever made. So much so it is making me second guess myself. I know that my intuition usually brings me peace and this deep sense of just ‘knowing’ when I make a decision. It has happened time and again when choosing jobs and my career. I don’t always have the words to explain it; I just know that it is the choice I’m supposed to make.

But with this decision, it feels the same and yet different. As soon as I saw and read about a degree in data science, I just knew. I just had this feeling that I should do it. I have zero idea where this will lead me. I have no idea if I’m truly making the right decision or if I’m making the decision for all the wrong reasons. Maybe I haven’t thought about this long or hard enough. Maybe I’m deciding to do this because school is my fall back for when I have no idea where I’m going in life. Maybe I’m doing this because I’m trying to prove something to myself. Maybe I’m doing this because I have no romantic life and I’m just trying to channel my time and energy into something other than being single at 30 with zero prospects.

Ok that last one was a bit too specific, but I promise you (and myself) that that one isn’t true. I think.

There are a million reasons I could be going after this for all the wrong reasons.

And yet there are also a million reasons I should go after this for all the right ones.

This is one of the first times in my life where I’d be choosing education because I just want to build on a seemingly random skill. I don’t need it to excel in my job (at least not right now). I don’t need it to get a job. I don’t need it to progress at all. I just want it. Hoping that it will help me to excel down the unknown road ahead of me. And that is partially why I think it brings me so much pause.

I have benefits with my work that would allow me to get my degree essentially for free. So what’s the harm? Wasted time? Energy spent on something I might hate? That’s not a reason not to do something that I could also end up loving.

I could end up hating data science. This could be the worst decision I’ve ever made. I could end up hating having to go back to school, complete homework, take tests, and write papers. The world could end tomorrow. Higher education could disassemble in a month. I could lose my job in a year. There are so many factors that my brain has been trying to process as it works out the best possible scenario; as it tries to sort out the outcome that has no negative.

But that’s not life, is it? I will never be able to make the perfect decision. I will never be able to make this decision without some negative outcome because I will never be able to predict every outcome of the future. All I can do is to take the chance; take a chance on me.

Just because I haven’t spent my entire life dreaming to be a data scientist, doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to get my degree in it. Just because I’m not looking to enter the field of data science, at least not right now, doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to learn more about it and use it in my current career path. I’m allowed to do this for fun. I’m allowed to do this for me. I’m allowed to try this just because I think I would like it and I want to try it out. I’m allowed to want this without explanation and without permission by anyone other than myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I am terrified to take this leap. I’m terrified to go back to school again. I’m terrified that I will hate programming and won’t be able to pick back up the math as easily as I would like. I’m terrified of the sacrifices I’ll have to make. I’m terrified that I’ll become depressed again while in school and working. I’m terrified of letting others and myself down. I’m terrified I’m making a mistake and that I’m wrong.

I’ve considered my word for this year, present, and wondered if making this decision goes against everything I set out for this year. Just learning to be in the moment and enjoy where I am. But then when I thought about it more I realized this truly embodies being present. Because I have no idea what is next or where this will lead. I’d be deciding to take this next step with no known outcome or plan. I’m just deciding to do something because I want to and feel like it is the right time in my personal and professional life.

I know my intuition is grounded in my faith. I know that any time I have made a decision like this it has been God leading me to make it. And every. single. time. it has paid off. And yet every. single. time. I question it. I have no logical explanation for how this all came to fruition, how it happened so fast, and why I think I should truly pursue it. All I know it that every time I think about saying yes, I feel a sense of peace and calm. I’m not stressed. I just know that I can do it. I know that I will make it all work. And I know that this will and could open doors for me I never even knew existed.

I’ve not made my final decision just yet. I’m going to talk about it with my therapist tomorrow and see how that conversation goes. I’m giving myself a few more days to mull it over. But also, let’s be real. I’m going to apply. Whether it is for the certificate program or the M.S. program, I’m going to apply. And then who knows? Maybe in a few years I will site this as one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, for better or worse.