I’m about to write about something that I know will probably make me sound desperate. Or maybe won’t even resonate with anyone else. Or maybe this will just sound completely normal, and I’m the one making myself feel some type of way. But regardless I will try my best to write this as clearly as I can, not only for myself, but for anyone else who may feel similarly.

I want to be in a relationship. Not only that, but I want to be married. I don’t need it today, or even next month, but it is a desire I have had for most of my life.

AND

I am completely happy with the life I am living as a 30-year-old single woman.

I love my life. I love my job. I love my friends and family. I love where I’m living. I love that I’ve found hobbies that I enjoy and have made friends through some of those hobbies. I love that I’m applying to go back to school. I love that I’m going to therapy and working on myself. I love the freedom that being single allows me. I love that I am financially independent and make enough to travel the world.

There is so much about my life that I love, and this doesn’t even cover all of it. And just because I want to be married one day, doesn’t mean the life I’m living isn’t whole. Because it is. Despite what my mind likes to try to convince me on my worst days, I don’t need to be in a relationship to be whole.

As a woman, particularly a woman now in her 30s, I think the societal messages I receive are harsher than most when it comes to marriage. And as a Christian woman, don’t even get me started.

Have you ever seen the Barbie movie? If you haven’t, it is a must see. There is a particular scene in that movie that depicts the experience of women quite well. We have to be perfect all the time and are held to much higher standards. I view being a single woman much the same way.

I have to be independent, but not too much or a man may be intimidated by me. I have to love being single, but not so much that I put off the wrong energy in the dating world. I have to be financially independent, but shouldn’t make more than my future partner. I can’t want marriage too much or then I’ll be considered desperate. I need experience dating and being in relationships, but I can’t change my past and so I might just need to be seen as a red flag. Make the first move, but also let him come to you. Don’t share too much too soon, but also make sure you are your authentic self. Oh and don’t forget about all the (completely valid) safety precautions and concerns while meeting new people and putting yourself out there. Everything is a balancing act, and while sometimes that is necessary and important, when it comes to societal messages and stigmas, none of it applies.

I don’t believe everything in the above paragraph. I think a lot of it was created by men and the patriarchy to keep women ‘in their place.’ And it is a place that I’m constantly afraid we are heading towards again. But I also know there are good men out there who will admire me for my independence and not be afraid of it. Who won’t care how much I make or be emasculated for it. Who want a true partnership, regardless of gender roles, rather than needing to be ‘the man of the house.’

And most importantly, I am learning to embrace the fact that I desire marriage and being in partnership and I’m also allowed to love my current circumstances at the same time.

Honestly when you think about it, this scenario makes the most sense. Why wouldn’t I enjoy the time I have being single before I’m hopefully in a relationship for the remainder of my life. Despite it taking longer than I would have imagined.

I’ll pause there because I know exactly what I just wrote. But I will also say that I am privileged to write that I think you should enjoy this time being single for many reasons. One, I’m glad that I’m privileged enough to be living a life that allows me to enjoy this time. And two, I have been single for 30 years and so I believe I am qualified and earned the right to say that based on my experience. I’ve learned to be grateful for this time. I will caution all those currently in a relationship to not say this to your single friends. It sounds very different when hearing it come from someone who has the very thing you want.

And yet all of this is easier said than done. I am not always happy about being single. I literally cried last night about it after a very exhausting day. I mean come on, I’m 30 years old and have yet to be in a relationship, of course that has been difficult. I crave the type of love you can only seem to get from a romantic partner. I desire the friendship I seek from that very relationship. I want to share my life with another person and build a life together.

Has being single been hard? Yes. Will being in a relationship be hard? Yes. But they are also both very different types of hard. I believe that once that day comes, I will have much to learn. And that is ok. It is a change and all change takes growth and learning.

But I didn’t set out writing this to talk about how great things are or could be. I’m writing this because I want everyone to know that it is ok to want this. And maybe not everyone needs to hear that, but I do. I’m so head strong and stubborn and independent, I have made myself believe that I’m not allowed to want this. That it somehow makes me desperate and needy. That wanting it might mean I won’t get it. Which when you think about it that way, when has that ever been the case for anything else in life?

The typical phrases said to single people I think have contributed to this. “It’ll happen when you least expect it;” “It’ll happen when you stop looking;” “You need to learn to love yourself first;” etc. Well sometimes it happens when you put the work in. And sometimes it just won’t happen at all.

I’m tired of internally blaming myself for the situation I’m in. Do I need to take ownership of it? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean that me being single at 30 was all my fault.

I’ll say it outright; I’m terrible at dating and part of me loathes it. I’m naturally an introvert and while I am social, it does take a lot of effort for me to even try to put myself out there. I’m very aware that I can contribute to my own circumstances. But I also can’t keep perpetuating this internal dialogue that I’m the problem. And I believe I can say that because I have and continue to do a lot of internal work. But I can’t work on myself until I’m perfect because perfect doesn’t exist. I’m deserving of love as I am today.

Wanting a relationship is hard in its own right, though. Because wanting something that may never come hurts. Desiring something you’ve never had hurts. And so sometimes to protect myself I pretend like it’s never going to happen. I momentarily ‘give up’ on the idea that marriage is for me and maybe this is the life I’m supposed to live. Regardless of the fact that I know I will live an amazing life if I indeed stay single. I’m tired of waiting and I’m afraid that the waiting will only continue for years to come. And trust me, I do recognize that 30 is still very young. And yet, when you have been waiting as long as I have, a few more years simultaneously feels like a lot and a little at the same time. I don’t know if I believe all this deep down, but I do believe this is a protective mechanism because sometimes the hoping just hurts too much.

But hope is important. And so is a healthy internal dialogue. So if you are anything like me, try to hold on to hope for as long as you can. Take breaks as you need, but never fully lose hope. I’m a hopeless romantic, which comes with its own difficulties and judgement. And yet, because of that, I do believe that one day it will happen. Maybe nowhere close to when I thought it would. But one day it will. I’m choosing to believe that.

In the meantime, I know that I will live a full life being single and with everyone already in my life. And I will keep telling myself that I’m allowed to want to be in a relationship while enjoying my single life. Both can be and are true at the same time. Neither negate each other. Loving my single life doesn’t mean I’ll never get married. And wanting a relationship doesn’t mean I’m any less of a strong, independent woman. I’m allowed to live in the middle, and so are you.