I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. More than usual maybe? Many questions bouncing around in my head with hardly an answer. My thoughts are fleeting, and my feelings sometimes even more so, and yet there are a few lately I can’t seem to be rid of.

Ok, I’ll stop being so illusive.

My therapist asked me a mind blowing question at the end of our session this week and I not only can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t stop telling people about it. It may not relate to many people, but it has made me rethink so many things, I think in the best possible way.

We’ve been discussing a lot of areas of my life, both professional and personal. Areas where I feel I need to work on self love and self trust. Areas where I feel like I seek external validation and have trouble trusting my own decision making. And so much more. But we have also started to focus more on my dating life, or lack there of.

I’ve recently made the decision to go back to school and start taking some classes. I’ve made many personal decisions in my life from choosing my job, to choosing my apartment, and now choosing to go back to school, even when it terrifies me. In each decision, I am willing to work at it until I achieve the outcome I want or am seeking. But when it comes to dating I am not willing to do the same.

Dating has always perplexed me. While I haven’t really dated in my life, I have always loathed it. I hate seeing dating as a numbers game. I hate first dates with all the awkward silences and not knowing what questions to ask. I hate the idea of ‘putting myself out there.’ And while I know the man of my dreams isn’t just going to show up at my door one day, I also wish that would just happen. Many people meet the love of their life without so much as trying. Why can’t that happen for me?

And yet, I also realize that if I want to be in a relationship, I can’t just passively hope it will happen. And while I do love my alone time, I also know that I don’t just stay at home all day every day. I do go out and do things. I have hobbies, I put myself in places where I could meet people, I do have an active life I love. And yet, I don’t actively try and meet people or make friends when I’m around people. I might think I’m ‘putting myself out there’ but in actuality, I don’t think I am.

So what is this life changing question my therapist asked me to ponder? She asked me, in so many words, “why do you see/treat the decision to date different than all the other decisions in your life? Why is your decision or outlook on dating different than how you view deciding on a job, or an apartment, or going back to school?”

Wow. I was mind blown. Because it’s a valid question. Why can I choose to go back to school and take all of the steps necessary to do so and be willing to give up my time to work at it and ‘achieve this goal,’ but I’m not willing to do that with dating and finding a relationship? I need to be real with myself; I have not been willing to work at finding a relationship. And that is probably the most honest I have been with myself about that.

I have always felt like being single wasn’t my choice. That I made the best out of the situation and learned to love this time alone, but it wasn’t like I was actively choosing to stay single and turn people away. But when I started to think about it more, it may not have been a conscious choice, but it was a choice nonetheless.

I chose to focus on school and my career rather than focus on dating. I chose to focus on myself and my friendships than focus on dating. I have continued to choose so many things over dating, despite wanting to be in a relationship one day.

And now? Now I am choosing my peace and the life I love that I have built, over putting myself through the potential horrors of dating. And there is nothing wrong with that. At all. Even though I tell myself I do want to be married one day. It is ok to be single. It is ok to love my life alone. And yet, if I do want to be married one day, I will eventually need to put in the work to make that happen.

I am not, however, blaming myself for being single this whole time. I don’t think it is healthy to put the blame on single people for the place they are in because there are so many factors at play. I’ve been afraid of the possibility that it is my fault that I’m still single at 30, despite appreciating this time I have had. While I’m trying very hard not to blame myself for the circumstance I am in, I also think I am now more willing than ever to finally take ownership for it. It may not be all my fault, but it is my responsibility if I want a different outcome.

This is not a perspective I have always agreed with. Trust me. I am a hopeless romantic who just wants her meet cute moment and have the guy sweep her off her feet. And I still believe that is possible and could happen. But I also think that I maybe haven’t always allowed that to happen because my mindset hasn’t fully been there. I’ve been afraid of too many things. Afraid of being rejected for who I am. Afraid of it working out and still not feeling like enough. Afraid of so many things.

All of these thoughts led me to one I had today. What’s the rush? Why am I in such a rush to get married? Why do I feel so behind? Because while I do want to experience what it is like to fall in love, I have also fallen in love with the life I currently have. I might feel like the one thing missing in my life is a relationship, but that doesn’t mean that my life isn’t complete as it is.

I started thinking about what trips I wanted to plan next and which friend trips I could start seeking out again (despite the financial crisis the U.S. is headed toward). I’m not saying friend trips can’t happen when I’m married; some of those trips I’m thinking of are with my married friends. But I do know it would look different and that I would need to consider someone else when making those decisions. My life will look different once I’m in a relationship. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, or something I won’t be ready for, but I am saying that maybe I shouldn’t be in such a rush to rid myself of the life I’m currently living.

I have always thought that when it happens, when I fall in love, I think it will happen fast. I’m old enough now that I’m not planning on being in a relationship for years and years before I want to get married. I think I will just know, as cliche as that sounds. So if it does indeed happen fast, I may as well enjoy my life as it is now before it is gone.

Now this is easier said than done, I know that. And I realize I am now in my 30s and society has put a pressure on me to get everything done immediately before its ‘too late.’ And I have to be honest with you, I really don’t want to wait until I’m 40 to fall in love (not that that’s a bad thing; I’ve just been waiting a long time already, another ten years feels like a lot). So yes, I do still have some sense of a timeline in my head that I’m not sure I’ll ever fully get rid of. But in this moment, today, I’m choosing to question “why the rush?” And maybe beginning to look at it that way, I might start to take the pressure off of myself any time I meet a guy I’m even remotely interested in.

You might be wondering if I was able to answer the question my therapist posed to me. The short answer is no. I actually think I have more questions now because of what she asked that I’m sure we will go over in our next session. But it has started to make me think deeper about how I show up in social settings and even with myself. It’s made me contemplate my own self worth and self love and that maybe I need to dig deeper there and not rely so heavily on external validation from others or waiting for someone to choose me. And it’s made me wonder what life would be like if I just showed up as myself in any situation without guilt or worry; if I was just confidently, authentically, me without trying to be what everyone wants me to be.

If I treated dating like any other part of my life, I think I would be more confident in myself on the journey to get to a relationship and less worried about the outcome because I’d have enough confidence to know that I’d get there no matter how hard it is. And there will be doubt along the way as there is in any other part of my life. But I’d also trust in who I am, who God made me to be, and in God’s plan for my life a lot more than I think I am currently trusting in anything related to dating and relationships.

I’m not sure why I am choosing to share this with the whole world, or the few of you who might read this. I think I’m honestly writing it more for myself than anything and am just excited by some of these revelations that I felt I needed and wanted to share. Regardless, I hope you get something out of it for yourself. And if nothing else, no matter how old you are, I hope you take with you that you do not need to rush your life. The timing of your life is perfect because it is your life and no one else’s. And that is something I try to remind myself every day. Ask yourself the hard questions along the way, the questions you might be avoiding, because they might take you places you never even realized you needed to go.