I’ve recently discovered that I have some avoidant tendencies. If you are familiar with attachment styles, this goes along with that. I actually mostly have an anxious attachment, but have places in my life that I tend to be more avoidant. This is all still very new for me and my therapist only just began diving into this in our sessions, but this gives some context to where I’m headed.

As I’ve written before, I have been single my entire life. All 30 years of it. And in those 30 years I’ve also barely dated. Really I could just say I haven’t dated at all; that’s how little I’ve dated.

It was never intentional, but I think I’ve started to realize that while not a conscious choice, it was definitely a subconscious one. I have focused more on school and career and life than dating and relationships. And that’s ok. And I also think I have feared dating and relationships so much that I’ve avoided them altogether.

If I don’t date, I don’t have to get rejected. If I reject them first, then it stings a little less and makes my brain think it was my choice not theirs. If I don’t date, then I can stay in control. If I don’t date, then I won’t have any perceived sense of failure.

That is how my mind has framed dating for most of my life. And it wasn’t until recently while diving into therapy that I have started to put that all together.

I knew that there was a chance I was putting way too high of expectations on dating, but I just figured that was it. Between that and my priorities lying elsewhere, I just figured it hadn’t quite happened for me yet.

Maybe all of that is true. But realizing that I may have been running away from the very thing I have craved most of my life is a hard pill to swallow. I never took ownership for my singleness. I was never willing to take ownership for my singleness. Because I didn’t want to admit that maybe there was a chance it was my fault.

Now, please don’t hear me say that my singleness is my fault. I don’t think there is any blame to place on myself or anyone or anything else. Being single is not a bad thing, so I don’t condone placing blame for this status. It can be a beautiful season of life for however long it lasts.

I do think there are many reasons I’m still single, though. One of which is that God’s plan for me doesn’t include a partnership yet. And there are many other reasons, some of which include my own actions, or rather inactions. And that is what I am now willing to take ownership of.

I don’t regret my singleness all these years. Quite the opposite. I have learned to cherish this time alone. And while at times it hurts really deep inside and I have cried about it on multiple occasions, I also would not be the person I am today without the life I have been living single. I am learning who I am without someone else. I am learning to use my voice. I am learning how to maintain friendships and figure out what I want.

Could I have learned these things with a partner? Probably. Many people do. And yet that wasn’t my path. I’m grateful for what my singleness continues to teach me and how much freedom it provides me, no matter how much pain it can bring me some days.

It’s taken me a long time to get this place and perspective about my singleness. So, if you are reading this and disagree with everything I am saying, that is ok. I probably would have too a few years ago. That doesn’t mean it isn’t true because it is true for me.

On my way home from work today I was thinking about all of this, and then a thought crept in. Have I wasted all this time by avoiding dating? Could I have been married by now if I had figured all of this out sooner and prioritized dating in my life? Is it too late? How much longer will it take now that I am just starting to figure all of this out?

I stopped myself from going too far down this rabbit hole; it’s a dangerous and dark place. I reminded myself that while it may have taken me longer than I would have liked to get to all of these realizations and motivation to work at each of them, I can’t go back and change the process. I can’t change the past. And shaming myself for decisions I did or did not make at that point in my life helps absolutely no one.

But is it too late? Am I too late? If you ask those younger than me, they’d probably say yes because they think I’m old. If you ask those older than me, they’d say no because they think I’m young. But what do I think? What even is ‘too late’? Too late for what?

And that is the real question. How is ‘too late’ defined? It’s this arbitrary measure of time. At 30 most would say I’m too late for a lot of things. That’s when things start to become ‘too late.’ But who defines that measure of time? If we focused on everyone outside of ourselves, we would go crazy because everyone has a different measure. So we are the only ones who can define it for ourselves.

Sadly, there are days when I feel it is too late. That I’ve reached an age that has declared me untouchable and like a red flag to most potential partners. That all the good ones are taken. But if I want to believe that true love not only exists, but exists for me, then this thinking will get me absolutely nowhere.

So I am deciding that I’m not too late. That things in life can sometimes happen quickly and all at once. That they can happen when you least expect it. [Ok, cue throwing up there]. Or that they can happen when you work hard and open yourself up to any possible outcome. That maybe my path in life was to not get married until my 30s or beyond or at all. I’m not too late because too late doesn’t exist in the trajectory of life.

Today, I still hate the thought of dating. And maybe I always will. But for once in my life I’m trying to keep an open mind about it, learn to let go of control, and try to just enjoy it all. I’m willing to work at so many other parts of my life, why can’t I also work at this? Something good will come out of all of this. One day it will happen. I’m choosing to believe that. I’m not just doing this for the hope of a future partner, though. No. I’m doing this for a much more important and impactful reason; I’m doing this for me.