I was gifted a moment that I know not everyone gets. I was gifted closure with a friend I had a falling out with. It was a moment I had thought of many times over the years, and yet I’m not sure I ever thought I would have the opportunity to have it.

I know that this is all going to sound very elusive because I’m not going to go into too much detail. Just know that our falling out was one of the biggest heartbreaks I have ever experienced in my life and it was a rough time overall for me. But we had never talked about it. We both needed to process and work through our issues on our own and ended up going our separate ways.

I have learned so much from that experience. Her friendship meant the world to me and impacted me so much. With time, therapy, and reflection, I have been able to see not just my own hurt and pain, but also the pain I caused her at the time.

Neither of us were emotionally mature enough or in a good mental state to work through our problems together. As much as I know we both wished it never happened, I also know that I needed it to happen to get to where I am today.

Fast forward almost five years later and we broke our silence to open up a conversation of forgiveness, healing, and repair. As much as I am trying to work through my overthinking of our entire conversation and if it was ‘enough’ for both of us, today’s conversation could not have gone better. The vulnerability, honesty, and openness from both sides was so incredible and I am just so appreciative to have been gifted this moment.

It’s hard to admit and recognize the hurt you caused someone and sharing with someone the hurt they caused you. It was not the most pleasant experience and tears were shed. But more than anything I was grateful to hear that she valued, and continues to value, the friendship we had just as much as I have. Despite the pain we both caused in the end. You don’t always get closure in relationships. And while we both did the work on our own and worked to forgive each other and ourselves without closure, I am grateful for both of us that we were able to get a little more closure today.

I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Today only proved that more as I was working through thoughts that I know could have been kinder to myself. My self esteem still needs to grow. My trusting of others and acceptance of forgiveness for my past mistakes could still use improvement. But I am also really proud of how far I have come. I don’t think I could have handled this conversation any earlier than this moment. It was just the right time and I was finally in a good enough place to be able to address it head on and have the words to communicate properly.

The weather on my drive was also quite the metaphor. Rain on the way there as I anxiously awaited the long overdue conversation trying not to put any expectations on either of us. And sun on the way home as I reflected on the moment and, even in tears as I continued to process, was mostly filled with joy and lingering grief.

I don’t know what’s next for us. I don’t know where this will lead. But I’m keeping the door open to anything that we want to happen. My heart is open. I forgave her a long time ago. I forgave myself a long time ago. And I forgave both again today.

Now I need to learn to accept the girl I was at that time. She was hurting and did what she knew how to do with the tools she had. She is still a part of me because she made me who I am. And I need to learn to accept her with open arms.

I am a huge fan of the musical Wicked. In the musical there is a song called For Good. To my dear friend, I don’t know where we go from here, but no matter where we end up, please know that because I knew you, I have forever been changed for good.