So I’ll start off admitting that while this post’s title is a quote from the show Friday Night Lights, my post has nothing to do with that. I just found it fitting for the topic today.

If there is one major thing I have noticed since my depression has subsided, it is how much clearer my mind is. The noise is gone. I can and want to plan for my future. I can see situations with a much more level head.

I’ve been talking about dating, among many other things, with my therapist lately. Being single in my now 30s has been a bit of a rough spot for me, especially adding on the layer of never having been in a relationship before. However, I think I’m finally reaching the place where I’m appreciating this time in my life.

I love my single life. And I have also struggled with it. I’ve been angry at God for making me wait so long. I’ve felt overlooked and left out. I’ve felt unworthy and unloveable. None of which are true. But when you have no tangible methods to back it up when it comes to romantic love, it feels true.

But what if I didn’t try to wish or pray away my singleness? What if I didn’t downplay my desire to be in a relationship? What if I didn’t view my singleness and my desires as something that needed fixing? What if I truly trusted God’s plan?

I’m prone to romantisize my life. So why not romantisize my singleness? This journey has been hard. But it has also been beautiful. If and when the time comes, I’ll be ready, even if I don’t think I am. I’m going to miss this season of life, no matter how much I want a partnership. And for that, I will always be grateful.

I was confronted with the thought the other day that if I truly believed God’s plan was better than mine, then if He planned for me to forever be single, then that would mean I’m living a life better than if I were married. And I’m not ready to believe that. Because I think a part of me still idolizes marriage as this top tier achievement. That that life will be better than the life I’m living now. Is this as good as it gets for me? In terms of a relationship, maybe it does. But that doesn’t mean my life is or can’t still be great.

I’ve had the opportunity to figure out who I am and what I want. I’ve been able to pour into friendships and maintain other relationships in my life. I was given the time and space to deal with my mental health. I’ve learned so many things in this season of life. And maybe singleness isn’t just a season. Maybe it will be my life. Maybe I won’t know any different. Will I be ok with that? I think I will be. But it won’t come without it’s challenges. I think if I stay single, I will still struggle with it and still feel like I’m missing out on something. But that won’t take away from all the good, either. Both can be true.

I don’t know what God has in store for my life. Right now I’m kind of just living it and making decisions as I go. I’m learning to love the life I have and the person I am. What I will say about my relationship status, though, is that I don’t want to be single for lack of trying. I don’t want to be the reason I’m single. So, I will learn to put myself out there. I will learn to go on dates. And I will try. At least I can say I tried.