I’ve been thinking a lot.

Period.

I could just end it there and that would probably sum it up. But that’s also not much of a blog post. So, I’ve been thinking a lot, maybe too much, and I couldn’t figure out what to do with all of these thoughts, which brought me here.

I had this revelation recently that my top love language wasn’t what I thought it was. I know, that doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but hear me out. For most of my life after learning about the five love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gifts), my top two ways of giving and receiving love was words of affirmation and quality time. And just the other week, I started to recognize that maybe that isn’t true for me anymore

Work has been busy and stressful; good, just a lot. And I found myself giving more and more of myself to everyone and everything around me. Trying to show up for everyone and be at everything. And in the moment, I felt that I had the capacity to do it. It all felt good and I was happy to do it. Until I started to feel the burnout.

I realized in that moment that words weren’t going to cut it. I thought about what I needed and wanted in that moment, and someone telling me I’m doing a good job or recognizing the time and effort I put in would have been nice, but that’s also not what I wanted deep down. That wasn’t what was going to fill me up and restore my energy.

Words have always meant so much to me. It was something I learned about myself a long time ago. It’s something my friends and family know about me. I’m the one who is a sucker for letter writing romance novels. I’m the one who will write you a heartfelt card telling you how much I care about you and appreciate you. I write blogs and poetry. I turned words of affirmation into my identity.

And then when I was giving so much of myself to everyone else, I realized words wouldn’t fix it. They felt hollow. I wanted to be seen and noticed. I wanted someone to show up for me how I was showing up for them. I wanted someone to see the effort and time and work I was putting in without me having to tell them and they take the initiative to step in and help. I was tired of voicing my needs and I was tired of giving without receiving.

And more than anything I was conflicted with these feelings because they made me feel selfish.

So maybe my love language switched to acts of service. Maybe I now appreciate something deeper than just words. But what does that mean for me? Just when I thought I was figuring out who I am and what I need and want, I realize it shifted without me even realizing it.

Words still mean a lot to me. Clearly, I’m still writing. I still love little messages. I still love writing notes and receiving them. But I think it is less the words that matter and more of the thought that means something to me. That someone would take time out of their day to think about me and share how they feel about me. That someone would do something for me just because. That is when I feel most loved.

I think we have moments of needing or wanting different parts of the five love languages. Some show up more than others. This shift shouldn’t mean so much to me. And yet it does. It means I need something different. It means I need to show up for myself differently. It means we are all shifting and growing and changing all the time.

And yet that thought also terrifies me. As much as I’ve changed and grown over the last few years, and have appreciated every second of it and am proud of the person I’ve become, I’m also tired. I’m tired of the growth. I’m tired of the change. I’m tired of constantly figuring things out for myself and learning new things about myself. I’m just tired. And sometimes I wish I could just be stagnant for a bit.

I already struggle with feeling like I’m not enough, and now I’m figuring out that my old coping mechanisms and habits just aren’t enough to sustain me anymore. Do you know how exhausting that is? To fall back into old habits or try all the systems you had in place to handle these situations and just feel them fall flat? To feel like you should know what to do, but everything you try isn’t working? To constantly try and perform for others because your brain still thinks that’s what it needs in order to earn love? It’s like starting all over again.

I’m not starting over, though, am I? I may need to try other ways of coping, sure. I still need to learn that love isn’t earned and I’m worthy and enough as I am. But I’m not starting from the beginning. Even just asking the questions and being aware, I’m miles ahead of where I once was. Some might read this and think I’m so much better than I give myself credit for. That this actually shows more progress of my healing. But I just don’t see it that way.

Yet.

I’ll get there. I’m noticing the changes in my body. I’m aware of the helpful or unhelpful things I’m doing. I’m learning to give myself grace. I’m trying to stop myself from giving all of me without restoring myself afterwards. It will take time and practice, but I’ll get there.

So, yes, I’m tired. Mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. I feel unseen and unheard. I feel constantly misunderstood. But I’m here. And I’m trying. I don’t blame anyone in my life. I’m mostly trying to blame myself less as I carry the weight and responsibility of my feelings. But really, I’m just trying to live in the uncomfortableness of change, growth, grief, and exhaustion.

So, if you are in a season of growth or healing or change, know that to some degree I see you. I see the hard work you are putting in. I see the challenges you are facing. I see the person you are becoming. I may not know you fully, but in this, I see you. And I hope that maybe, you see me too.