Disclaimer: This is an account of my own experience with depression from a year ago. Please know that I am not a mental health professional. I use writing to get my own feelings out and connect with others; it has helped me in more ways than I can say. If you are in any way triggered by reading about depression or thoughts of suicide, please do not read this post. If you are struggling with your own mental health, please ask for professional help, it does help.

I planned on writing this post much sooner than this. Yet here I am at 10pm EST. writing (and hopefully posting) before the day is up. Maybe it actually worked out more poetically than planned.

One year ago today I had one of the darkest days I can recall. It was the height of my depression during all of my mental health challenges last year. And I’m not sure why I remembered the date so well, but for some reason November 19 has always stuck out to me.

On November 18 I wrote in my journal: “Everything seems pointless right now and I don’t understand my purpose in life right now or what I’m meant to go be doing. Because for some reason I can’t comprehend just existing. If I’m not actively making a difference in the world or for people in my life what is my worth tied to? Why would God have me living still? Is it enough just being me in this world? And that’s on depression. I hope one day I will feel joy and hope and love again. Because this feeling of despair sucks.”

And on November 19 I wrote: “Depression is consuming my mind. I don’t even know what Is true and what is the darkness. I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. I don’t know what opinions I hold or how to stand true to them. This darkness is overwhelming and I never feel heard or understood. I’m in a constant fight or flight mode and all I want to do is run away. I’m constantly tired. I’m overwhelmed and uncertain. I don’t know how to live in the now, and even if I did it is filled with anxiety. Depression and my mental health and thoughts of ending it all is all I think about. There’s no room for anything else.”

This is not easy to share. These are only excerpts of my entries, but no one reads my journal except for me, and sometimes even I choose to not look back and the things I wrote during some more challenging times.

November 19, 2024 was a really hard day for me. It was the first time in my life where real thoughts of suicide crossed my mind and it scared me. It was the only solution my mind could come up with to quiet the noise. I did not act on my thoughts and I survived that day and many days after. I got on medication, I found a therapist, I leaned on my support systems, I did the work. But this day stood out to me among all the rest because it was the lowest and most defeated I remember getting throughout the height of my depression. And it terrified me.

I never told anyone this. I couldn’t even admit it to myself, or write it down until about two months later when I decided I needed to face the reality of the state I had been in. And yet coming through it I expected a party. A metaphorical party of course, but a celebration nonetheless. I felt like I had won a battle. Probably because I had.

But my therapist is right; how can I expect people in my life to celebrate and acknowledge what I went through if I never told anyone how bad it really got? Either my words and validation need to be enough for me or I need to be willing to share my story. Or just not have unreasonable expectations of the people in my life.

I did share with people that I was struggling. But I only shared so much. And even when I shared I felt weird about it or like I was making excuses for my behavior. I always tried to downplay it, even to myself. I didn’t want to bring everyone down with me. My mom is the only one who truly saw and heard how bad things got and it was her voice and reasoning and love and validation that helped to keep me from feeling absolutely crazy all the time. She helped to keep me afloat all those months, and I will eternally be grateful.

So why share all this now? Why, a year later, choose to divulge some of the hardest moments of my life?

Short answer? I don’t know. Or maybe just because I want to?

I think I am sharing this because I want to share with you and with myself that while it was bad, and at times really bad, there is light to be found.

One year ago I wrote “I hope one day I will feel joy and hope and love again.” And I’m proud to say that I have. I am in a better place today than I ever thought I could be.

I was nervous heading into this fall considering how last fall went, but this was honestly one of the best fall’s I have had at work and in my life outside of work. My anxiety has been lower than I’m used to it being, I’m feeling confident in my work, I’m finding purpose in and out of my job, I’m living a fruitful life outside of work, I’m engaging and maintaining friendships, I’m actually actively dating for the first time in my life, I can focus and remember things in my life, and so much more. I can feel a vast range of emotions, which have included joy and hope and love.

I was worried this day would never arrive. I was worried it would take too long. And while it took more work than I may have realized in the moment (and continues to take work), and took longer than I may have wanted, I am proud of that I did what I could to get to where I am today.

I may not be able to promise you that tomorrow will be better. I had many ‘tomorrow’s’ that were not. But I can say from experience that one day it will be better. And until that day becomes ‘today’, keep holding onto ‘one day.’

I’ve asked myself if or how I wanted to memorialize this day. I’m still not convinced this was the way to go. But this is the way I’m choosing to do it in this moment. Last year was really hard. Harder than I ever imagined it could have been. And yet life feels so much brighter today and I couldn’t be more grateful or thankful for that.

I wrote a post during the time of my depression describing my experience as it continued to get worse. The post was called “The Light Will Come” and I ended the post with “I know that I will be ok, even if I’m not ok right now. And I know that one day the light will shine through this darkness. In the meantime, no matter how hard it will be be, I will lean on my family and friends to shine that light for me until I can see it for myself.”

Today I am able to shine the light for myself. Or at least mostly for myself; I believe we should never truly do any of life alone. But the light has come. And while some days will be brighter than others, I’m choosing to bask in this light I managed to find a year later.

Enough

11/19/24

Today

I survived

And that has to be enough