Lately I’ve been stuck. Stuck in my head, in my emotions, and in all of the ‘should’s’ that I could conjure up. I let my stress and anxiety take over my entire experience. And I word that very specifically because I know that what I experienced these last few weeks was in my control. I had the power to let it all go. I had the power to just enjoy the time I was given. I had the power to enjoy the people around me. And what did I choose to do instead? I chose to stress about money, worry about my future, compare myself to others, feel like I was behind or lacking in the things I either did or didn’t want, questioning every decision I made or thing I did or did not say, and all around just didn’t feel like I was doing or being enough for myself or anyone around me. I am a huge proponent for mental health. I have dealt with anxiety most of my life and have worked to help ease its affects in my daily life, including therapy. And through all of that, I have also learned that sometimes it can be as simple as choosing a different path. I recognize that it is easier said than done; I clearly executed that example lately when my words did not translate to action. And yet I know that this is exactly what I need to work on next.

So what exactly made these last few weeks a little less than perfect? I took on stress I didn’t need to take on. I was stressed about making meals perfect for vacation. Not about making them, but about making them and them not turning out or people not liking them. I stressed about making a surprise cake that took three different tries and the money it took to make that happen after the third attempt. I stressed about asking for help when I felt I may not need it and being a burden on others and taking away from their experiences. I stressed about being present enough, spending enough time with everyone, not being in ‘my own world,’ talking about myself too much or others enough, being single amongst couples and couples who have children or want children and the fact that I don’t have any. I worried I made the wrong decisions at work or that I shared too much of myself with those I spent time with. I stressed that I said the wrong thing or didn’t say enough things. I worried that my stress and anxiety were present to those around me and it portrayed me as unprofessional. I worried I wasn’t making an impact or was good at my job. The list goes on and on. As much as I tried to be present, as much as I tried to relax and find peace, as much as I practiced every tool I knew how to use to settle my anxiety, it never fully went away. You have no idea how sad that makes me. Not only for myself, but for everyone that I’ve encountered.

A few weeks ago, after meeting with someone, I started to replay our entire interaction in my head. Flipping through everything I said, every reaction I had, wondering if I was supportive enough, if I said the right thing, if I was engaging enough, if I should have done something differently. When I overthink, I don’t enjoy how I feel. I’m essentially evaluating where I could have gone wrong and what I should have done better with every little thing I said or did. I’m beating myself up in ways I don’t need to. In ways I never even realized were possible. Evaluating ourselves and trying to do better isn’t inherently a bad thing. But when we do it so much we forget who we are, that is when it becomes toxic. So, during this particular bout of overthinking, I had a moment where I began questioning why I was even doing it in the first place. It’s not the first time I’ve done this, as therapy has helped me to reframe my thinking in my most anxious moments and thoughts. But it was one of the first times I felt I was able to fully step back from the moment and truly question why I was not only doing this now, but why I do it constantly with every interaction I have. The answer I came up with? I’m trying to get the other person to like me. When I stepped back and thought more intentionally about why I was overthinking everything I said and did, I realized it was because I was trying to make sure I fit everything the other person needed. And why was I doing that? Because I wanted them to like me. But what if I was just me? What if I was just genuine and didn’t worry about fitting some artificial mold I carved out for myself? What if I did mess up or said the wrong thing? Could they still like me then? The logical answer is yes. There will always be people who don’t like me, which I know I’ll struggle with as a people pleaser. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be myself for those who genuinely do like me. It ultimately comes down to trust. I don’t trust people to like the ‘real’ version of myself. I don’t trust people to not decide they don’t like me after one thing I said or did. I don’t trust people to not leave after a single interaction they didn’t enjoy. I don’t trust that the most authentic version of myself is someone that other people might enjoy being around.

I cried more times in the last few weeks than I would have liked to. Albeit, I would have liked to cry zero times. Some of it was cathartic. Most of it was self imposed. It was my mind telling me something was wrong with me, even when nothing and nobody proved that thought right. There are a lot of things I know. There are fewer things that I believe. And that right there is one of my biggest struggles. I know that I am loved. I know that I am on the right path. I know that God has a plan for me. I know all of these things, and yet putting into action my faith and belief is so much harder. Believing that my singleness is a gift that won’t last forever. Believing that even if it does, that means something better will take its place. Believing I’m good at what I do and make an impact even when I make a mistake. Believing that I am loved, even in my worst moments. Believing that I don’t have to do anything to earn love. Believing that I can’t mess up my life because I can’t mess up God’s plan for me. All of this is much more difficult than I think I ever expected. And yet I think it is the key to unlocking so much anguish in my life.

Over the last few years of my life I have done a lot of inner work. It was all very necessary and helped dig me out of a dark hole that I refused to acknowledge I was in for a long time. I think what these last few weeks have made me realize, though, is that for a little while now, I have been so in my head and focused on my own growth and self love, I have neglected what is around me. For good reason; I do believe that it is easier to love others once you love yourself. However, you do still need to translate the love for yourself to the love for others at some point. This can and does happen simultaneously, but can still be really difficult if you haven’t fully figured out how to love the worst parts of yourself. And that is where my roadblock is. I am in disbelief when someone shows me love because I never feel like I deserve it. I crave it, I pity myself when I think I don’t have it, but when I actually receive it, I question it and return it. As if every compliment came with a gift receipt begging to be returned. I have to deal with myself every day. I have to listen to my thoughts every waking moment. I know how to manage myself, but do I truly love myself in those moments? I’m not so sure the answer is always yes. I know I can manage myself, but I wonder how anyone else would want to manage me as well. Or even the thought that maybe I might not need to be managed at all. But what if all those parts of myself that I consider managing, isn’t work to someone else? What if despite my flaws, people could still love who I am? After all, I still love people in my life even though they aren’t perfect.

I know how harsh this sounds. I know that this sounds like I don’t like myself. But in all honesty, I really do love who I am. I have learned to love the person I was and the person I’ve become. But I haven’t fully learned to love who I am outwardly and with others. I haven’t fully learned how to accept and trust the love others give me. What’s even more interesting is that that same person that I was overthinking everything I said or did, said to me at the end of our meeting that they enjoy working with me. Explicit proof that they do indeed like me on some level. So why did I need to overthink our interaction? Why did I feel like I needed to fix myself to be some perfect version for someone else? How am I supposed to be everything to everyone? Because that’s what my perfectionism is trying to tell me. That I need to be everything someone needs. That I need to work at them loving me. But we can’t be everything for everyone. We can’t even be everything for one person. It’s not only not sustainable, it’s not possible. 

My sister has been an immense help to my healing process and I’m not sure she even realizes it. Last year when I was overwhelmed and anxious leading up to vacation, she simply asked “what do you need?” I was stunned into silence. I didn’t know how to answer that question and I wasn’t sure I was ever asked that, let alone considered it myself. Could I ask for what I needed? Was that something I was allowed to do and was capable of? To this day I still think about that moment, especially as I work to name my wants and needs with others and with myself. This year, she listened to me talk about all my anxieties and worries and thoughts going through my head. At one point I thanked her for dealing with my anxiety and she simply said “of course, it’s not work for me.” This is something my therapist had mentioned to me before. That just because it is work for me to deal with my anxiety, doesn’t mean it is work for someone else to talk me through it. But I don’t think I had ever actually heard anyone tell me that before in those exact words, and it meant everything to me. I feel like a burden when I express my anxiety either verbally or through my actions. So hearing someone tell me that it wasn’t work for them and they still loved me and wanted to be around me was huge. Please hear me when I tell you, you are not a burden and those who love you will love to be around you even at your messiest.

Almost every time my family gets together we usually have at least one, if not more, late nights where we just talk. It could be anything from memories, to silly things, to world or pop culture events, to life goals and dreams, and more. One night this year on vacation, it was each of us talking about our worries and excitements. What a fun topic! Honestly not unusual for us, which I’m extremely grateful for and most likely where I get my chatty and deeper thinking side. One of the main things they mentioned after everything I shared was that I can’t mess up my life because I can’t mess up God’s plan. How do I live my life then? I had asked. I just live it. I just keep doing the best I can and making decisions as I go. That sounds simple and boring, yet challenging and terrifying all at once. Biggest takeaway from our conversation that night? Maybe it’s not about me. Out of context you might be thinking, where did that come from? But the reason it was my biggest takeaway is because it put it all into perspective for me. Everything I was struggling with always came back to me. Even when I was worrying about other people, I was actually worrying about what other people thought about me. How I was being perceived. What I could be doing to be better, to be loved, to be enjoyed. Everything turned back around to me, even if I was trying to make it about someone else. And that hit me hard. It reminds me a little bit of that one Friends episode where Joey and Phoebe debate whether or not you can truly do a selfless act. I think there might always be a little bit of selfishness in the things we do because we tend to feel better about ourselves when we can serve other people. But for me during this particular vacation, I was so wrapped up in my own issues, I couldn’t see anything else. Even when I felt like an outsider because I couldn’t contribute to a topic; only realizing that that was my own expectations I put on myself, thinking that was how I needed to act in order to be loved and accepted. Even when someone said something kind or helpful, I heard it as condescending and attacking and judging. My first clue that it was my issue I needed to figure out and not that they didn’t know how to help me.

In one of my darker moments at the end of vacation, my dad told me “just be.” I responded that I didn’t know how and that I was afraid I wouldn’t be enough. That me ‘just being’ may look messy and ugly sometimes and if I presented like that I may not be that fun to be around. But sometimes however you show up, just showing up is plenty to the people who love you. Yes, your behavior and attitude can affect the people around you. Yes, we should be mindful of how we show up places. And we should also allow those who love us the gift of being there when we are a mess.

I don’t know how to be fully myself, mess and all, and be ok with it. I don’t know how to let people love me because I think I can handle it all on my own. And it’s funny because all I want is for someone to help me and be there with and for me. What am I trying to prove? That I’m so strong I don’t need anyone? That’s not a very pleasant way to live. Strength comes when we are the weakest. Strength comes in vulnerability. Strength comes in asking for help. Strength comes when we are forced to not do it alone. There is no all or nothing. We are not the same people every day or every year of our lives. Just because I liked red as a kid, doesn’t mean I have to like it now. Just because I had a bad day or two on vacation, does not mean my family will define me as such for the rest of my life. We are allowed to change. Not only that, but I believe we are asked to change; life forces us to change.

If I could have just let it all go these last few weeks. If I could have just been present. If I could have realized that it wasn’t about me in the long run. Maybe then I would have been able to find the peace I was striving for. There are times for us to evaluate ourselves and where we need to grow and change. And there are times we just need to love who we are today and let that be enough. Be a participant in life rather than an evaluator or a judge. I could play the ‘if’ game all day. Trust me, I’ve been a champion of that game for most of my life. The fact is, I can’t change how I experienced the last few weeks. But I can choose to do it differently moving forward. I can choose to have a good day. I can choose to get out of my head. I can choose to feel and hear people’s love for me. I can choose to love all my messy parts. I can choose to think of others more. I can choose to trust myself. I can choose to trust God’s plan for me. I can choose to be present. I can choose to love, to hope, to dream. I can choose to just be.