I have so many thoughts, have had so many thoughts, about my recent vacation, and yet as I sit here to finally write it all down, I’m somehow at a loss for words. But don’t worry, whenever I write that sentence, I end up writing one of my longer posts, so bear with me. There is so much I could say about the places I visited, the things I did, and the food I ate. But for the sake of this post, I will focus more on the things I learned and am trying to take from my experience.

I think I struggle with expectations versus reality. The dreamer in me making both the anticipation and the reflection of an event far more enticing than the event may have actually been.

Now, that is not to say that I didn’t have an incredible experience vacationing in Europe for the last 10 days. I relaxed, I didn’t think about work, I ate amazing food, I spent time with people I love, I explore places new and old, I experienced new cultures, I saw some amazing views, and so much more.

And yet, I’m not sure why I was so surprised when the same person I am at home, showed up in Europe. I don’t know why I expected someone different. Someone more outgoing. Someone less anxious. Someone who doesn’t care what people think. Someone more confident. Someone who isn’t desperately trying to be understood and loved. I believe that I can be all these things at different points in my life. But the only person I seemed to keep meeting on this trip, was a girl ridden with anxiety and worry.

It wasn’t the same anxiety and worry I would normally deal with on my travels. I was oddly less concerned about how and where I was going, or even my own safety. I was more so hyper aware of my presence in spaces, how much space I was taking up, what the reflection of being an American would be, and how my sister was enjoying her experience and her experience with me. I was so inwardly focused; I forgot at times to focus on everything around me.

I made a mistake going into this trip, and it had nothing to do with any of the planning or destinations. It had everything to do with my perspective of my growth and healing. My sister and I traveled together once before many years ago. And while I have many good memories from that trip together, I also recall a lot of anxiety that disrupted portions of it. However, in the six years since then, I have done a lot of inner work on myself and felt like I was better prepared to communicate my wants and needs and manage my own anxiety.

That was my mistake. Thinking that I had reached the end of my work with my anxiety. Thinking I was healed or ‘fixed’ or rid of all my problems. Or rather what I think are problems. And so, when anxiety showed its face once again, it destroyed a little piece of me. The piece of myself that thought I was getting better and wouldn’t have to experience this again. The piece of hope I had that thought that this time would be different.

But this time was different. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, travel continues to teach me so much about myself. And while I’m desperately trying not to sound self-centered here as there is so much to learn about different people and cultures while traveling, that is not quite the focus on this post today.

My experience with anxiety during this trip both by myself and with my sister was different because I handled it differently and because I was aware of it happening. I wasn’t blindly trying to push away and push through my anxiety. Well, maybe there was a little of that in my own frustration that it was happening at all. But for the most part, I was able to recognize how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and communicate what was going on.

Now, looking back, I still think I could have done a better job of this. I think I could have been clearer. I think I could have advocated for myself better. But I also think that I will always think this post heightened anxiety and navigating its challenges. In the midst of all of this, I was still proud of my communication and my self-awareness through it all, although it felt weird to be proud of this small victory while shaming myself for being anxious at all.

Most of my anxiety came from being hyper aware of who I was or who I thought I should be. I couldn’t just let myself be. I couldn’t just enjoy the things I wanted to enjoy or travel the way I wanted to travel, without thinking about how it affected those around me or what or who that made me. I was taking every single cue from those around me and questioned every care, or lack of care, that I had. And yet, it didn’t have to be that deep. I was so focused on myself, that I didn’t allow myself to just enjoy the presence of being.

Now I know how this sounds. It probably sounds like I had a horrendous trip. That was not the case at all. I thoroughly enjoyed my time reminiscing in Cheltenham, and even wrote another blog post about it. My time in London was great visiting a friend. And my sister and I had an incredible time in Vienna, Austria. We ate at so many cafés, I had the best apple strudel and focaccia bread, drank lots of coffee, enjoyed many a pastry, and saw some beautiful views. The city is beautiful, the architecture is incredible, the art and music insane, and it is also surprisingly quiet and calm. Something I hesitated about until I saw the drastic differences when I went to London. I grew a new appreciation for that slower pace of life. Something I keep telling myself that I crave, despite every action I take to move faster through life.

I cried more times than I would have liked on this trip. I focused on a lot of what I would consider the ‘wrong’ things instead of just enjoying where I was and letting the experience guide me. But more than anything, I was reminded that I can’t just leave my anxiety and depression at home, even if I wanted to. It will always be with me. But it doesn’t have to become me.

I’m interested to see what my therapist has to say about all of this in our session this week. I clearly still have a lot I need to work on. But above all, I think I need to work on loving myself with my anxiety. Not apologizing or feeling shame for having emotions. I am a human who cares and feels way too much at times. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

I have biases against myself that I wish I could part with. I thought I had learned to embrace my anxiety and depression, and yet this week reminded me that there are parts of me that I still wish I didn’t have. I wanted to be someone different on this trip. When in reality, I could have been embracing the person I am.

I’ve learned that being self-aware can hurt and have experienced first-hand that it is truly only the first step in healing. I’m learning that liking different things, having different experiences, coming from different backgrounds and cultures, doesn’t mean that there is a right or wrong way to live. They are just that: different.

This trip was different for me, that’s the best I can do to sum it all up. It’s different because all I can see right now is my supposed failure. All I can see is how my anxiety affected me and how I let it win. All I can see is everything I could have done differently. So, when people inevitably ask me, what was the best part or how was my trip, trust me when I say that whatever my answer is, I won’t be lying. But if you want the real honest answer, it would be this: I had an incredible experience in both England and Austria, and yet I also wish it had gone better. Not because anything could have been different with the trip itself, but because I wanted to experience it without all my overthinking along the way. There is a joy and enjoyment I know I am capable of experiencing that I didn’t allow to come to the surface as much as I would have hoped.

The truth is, though, that my anxiety was only a portion of the trip, and it ebbed and flowed along the way. So, why do I continue to give it so much power to blanket the entire experience? Anxiety is only one tiny part of my life. I have never let it stop me from doing what I love or what I want. So maybe I shouldn’t let it stop me from recognizing the joy I did get to experience along the way.

I’m a work in progress. Not because I need fixing, but because I’m constantly growing and changing and becoming the person I hope and want to be. There is no end in sight. And while at times that distresses me, it’s also quite beautiful to continue to see each new version of myself along the way. I just need to learn to embrace who I am today, rather than anticipating who I’m waiting to become.