A few months ago I made the decision to go back to school; to take some classes in Data Science. To explore a new interest of coding and programming and to see what opportunities might arise from it.

I am almost finished with my first class and already I want to quit.

Let’s back up a little.

There was a time when I was super excited about this venture. Where I thought I was crazy for making this decision, but I still felt like it was the right one.

And then something shifted. Weeks before the class began I started second guessing my choice. But I just chalked it up to going back to school jitters. Once the class began, I was immediately overwhelmed. There was just so much to do in so little time. Again, I contributed all of my feelings to it being a busy week, a lot of information, and the start of something new.

I am now five weeks into my six week course and I am miserable. Ok, not completely, but I have to say I do not enjoy spending my spare time thinking about homework and assignments and tests. I knew this from the start, but I thought I’d be more excited about the content that I could overlook all of that. I think I may have overestimated my ability to do so. Or maybe it’s just the content.

So, here I am counting down the days until I have finished this course and calculating how many courses I have left until I complete this certificate and if I have the motivation, drive, and energy to see it through.

What’s changed? Why only about five months ago was I so excited about this possibility and now I’m hating every minute of it? Hate is a strong word, but you get the idea. I’ve even contemplated quitting the certificate program altogether. I think the only thing I can think of is that I changed.

While five months doesn’t feel like a lot of time, I am not the same person I was then. I’ve grown and changed. I’ve learned more about myself and what I want. My job has changed slightly. My priorities have shifted. Again.

I think I said something similar when I made this decision in the first place. And I’m fighting every thought that is telling me I’m making yet another drastic decision. But when I think about continuing this program nothing feels right. I just don’t want to do it.

And that’s ok.

I started to realize that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone anymore. Not even to myself. When I thought about going for a full second masters degree instead of just the certificate, part of me was considering how cool that would be. How smart that would prove I was. That I could do this hard thing and I had a degree to prove it.

Five months ago I think I was looking for a purpose. I was looking for back up options if anything ever happened with my current career choice. I was looking for anything. I don’t think I would have agreed with this at the time, but looking back, I do think I was looking to school to solve some of my problems.

These weren’t the only reasons, but they were definitely there. Then I started to realize that I don’t need any of that anymore. Could I do it? Sure I could. Do I want to? Absolutely not. I don’t want to go to school for another 2-3 years for something I’m not definitively passionate about. And that’s actually kind of a big realization for me. To not need the validation of school to prove all my worth or to show off.

I now feel the same way even about the shorter certificate credential. I don’t need this anymore. I’d rather focus on other things. I’m figuring out where else to gain my validation or where else I can lean into the uncomfortable parts of my life even more. I’m asking the tough questions even if I’m scared to learn the answers.

This tough question? Do I really want this? Do I even need it?

No.

I question why I made this decision in the first place. I wonder if I made the wrong choice and regret this decision. In the moment, yes, part of me regrets it. But when I think about it holistically, I regret none of it. Because I never would have come to this conclusion if I hadn’t at least tried it. It would have always been a “what if.”

And now I know. I like the content, but not enough to take classes outside of my full time job and hobbies and other interests. I don’t want to go to school at the same time as working full time unless it is about something I’m really passionate about or if I need it to progress in my career. Neither of which this program accomplishes for me.

As of today, I have officially decided to withdraw from the program. Despite this, I know that if nothing else this experience has taught me that I can try things and choose to stop at any time. That the trying alone means it was a success. That this could never be a failure for me because I evaluated my priorities and where I wanted to spend my time.

I am choosing what I want to devote my time and energy to and right now it is my job, my life, my hobbies, my friends and family, and not school at all. And that is ok. I am learning to be unapologetically myself. It is harder than I thought. But honestly, I think taking this class has further proven to me that I really like the dreamer in me. I love the softer and more creative sides of myself. The technical side of my brain is still fun, but I’m focused on more than just the parts of myself that can perform and achieve these days, and it is really refreshing.

I would rather spend my time on this seemingly useless hobby of writing blog posts and poetry than I would about learning a new skill I may or may never actually use. I love sharing all of this with the world. This is who I am and who I forever want to try and be.

It’s hard to choose to stop doing something. To know if I’m making the right decision or will regret it as much as the decision that brought me here. But I wouldn’t be here today without that decision. I wouldn’t know these things about myself. I wouldn’t have any of these answers without making that decision.

I’m a different person than I was five months ago. Forever and always still a work in progress. But different nonetheless. And that makes me really proud. I regret none of it. Even though I chose to quit, I choose not to regret it or see it as a failure. Just another redirection and reprioritizing the things in my life.